Communication

Today I’d like to talk about a topic that, as I’ve learned more about it, I realize is a huge factor in determining the quality of a relationship. That factor is communication. I’m sure you’ve all heard about and seen examples of poor communication in the relationships around you and you’ve probably experienced it in your own relationships as well. Poor communication is extremely common and extremely damaging. As I studied what makes for good communication I realized that it's another example of a “supernatural” relationship. This is a topic I covered back in September, but it basically means a relationship where you put effort in that is far beyond your natural tendencies. The sad truth is our natural tendencies as humans are kinda the worst and they generally don’t benefit us or anyone around us. 

This is a concept that I learned early in my life because of my religious beliefs. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and in my church, we believe in scriptures that have been given to us by God as a kind of instruction manual for life. In one of these books of scripture, “The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ,” we learn about something called the natural man. This verse from the book explains what the natural man is: “... all men that are in a state of nature, or I would say, in a carnal state,...have gone contrary to the nature of God; therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness” (Alma 41:11). As the scripture states, the natural man is “contrary to the nature of happiness,” meaning if we let our natural tendencies control us, they will cause unhappiness for us and for everyone around us. I believe this is the root of all problems in any relationship and so of course any solution is going to take extra work and effort beyond what we are naturally inclined to give. I share this because I want everyone to know that it's going to be hard and feel unnatural, but it’s going to be the best thing you can do.

Moving back to communication specifically, I’d like to discuss what the unnatural solutions to communication problems are. In the “Feeling Good Podcast,” episodes 65-70, they discuss the 5 secrets to good communication. As I go through these steps you’ll see that they are far from natural.

The 5 secrets of communication:

1. Disarming Technique

2. Express Empathy

3. Inquiry

4. “I feel” statements

5. Stroking

The first step, the disarming technique, is extremely effective at stopping an argument and turning it into something good, but it is also extremely hard to do. When an argument arises, the first thing you should do is find the truth in what the other person is saying and relay it back to them. For instance, if your spouse gets mad and starts blaming you for something that happened, look for the truth in what they are saying. Accept your part in the problem and let them know that you understand. This takes a ton of humility and it shows them that you don’t want to fight about it but rather want to work through it. This “disarms” both people and allows for a good conversation. 

Next is to express their thoughts and feelings back to them to make sure you understand how they feel and then show and, more importantly, speak with empathy about how they are feeling.

After they have expressed their initial feelings, ask to hear more of them to make sure that you completely understand how they feel.

After you have obtained a solid understanding of the other person's perspective, you can express your thoughts as “I feel” statements such as “I felt angry because of …. and that's why I did that,” or “I feel like you have misunderstood my intentions. This is what I really meant.” Doing this without disarming the situation can cause further problems but with the disarming technique you can make huge strides in the discussion with being able to express your feelings.

And finally, after all has been said and done, show admiration for the other person. Let them know that you care about them and want to make things better.

This can all feel extremely hard to do when someone is yelling at you, but as you practice these steps, you will start to see the relationship quality increasing and the communication between you and your loved ones improving significantly.