Skip to main content

Communication

Today I’d like to talk about a topic that, as I’ve learned more about it, I realize is a huge factor in determining the quality of a relationship. That factor is communication. I’m sure you’ve all heard about and seen examples of poor communication in the relationships around you and you’ve probably experienced it in your own relationships as well. Poor communication is extremely common and extremely damaging. As I studied what makes for good communication I realized that it's another example of a “supernatural” relationship. This is a topic I covered back in September, but it basically means a relationship where you put effort in that is far beyond your natural tendencies. The sad truth is our natural tendencies as humans are kinda the worst and they generally don’t benefit us or anyone around us. 

This is a concept that I learned early in my life because of my religious beliefs. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and in my church, we believe in scriptures that have been given to us by God as a kind of instruction manual for life. In one of these books of scripture, “The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ,” we learn about something called the natural man. This verse from the book explains what the natural man is: “... all men that are in a state of nature, or I would say, in a carnal state,...have gone contrary to the nature of God; therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness” (Alma 41:11). As the scripture states, the natural man is “contrary to the nature of happiness,” meaning if we let our natural tendencies control us, they will cause unhappiness for us and for everyone around us. I believe this is the root of all problems in any relationship and so of course any solution is going to take extra work and effort beyond what we are naturally inclined to give. I share this because I want everyone to know that it's going to be hard and feel unnatural, but it’s going to be the best thing you can do.

Moving back to communication specifically, I’d like to discuss what the unnatural solutions to communication problems are. In the “Feeling Good Podcast,” episodes 65-70, they discuss the 5 secrets to good communication. As I go through these steps you’ll see that they are far from natural.

The 5 secrets of communication:

1. Disarming Technique

2. Express Empathy

3. Inquiry

4. “I feel” statements

5. Stroking

The first step, the disarming technique, is extremely effective at stopping an argument and turning it into something good, but it is also extremely hard to do. When an argument arises, the first thing you should do is find the truth in what the other person is saying and relay it back to them. For instance, if your spouse gets mad and starts blaming you for something that happened, look for the truth in what they are saying. Accept your part in the problem and let them know that you understand. This takes a ton of humility and it shows them that you don’t want to fight about it but rather want to work through it. This “disarms” both people and allows for a good conversation. 

Next is to express their thoughts and feelings back to them to make sure you understand how they feel and then show and, more importantly, speak with empathy about how they are feeling.

After they have expressed their initial feelings, ask to hear more of them to make sure that you completely understand how they feel.

After you have obtained a solid understanding of the other person's perspective, you can express your thoughts as “I feel” statements such as “I felt angry because of …. and that's why I did that,” or “I feel like you have misunderstood my intentions. This is what I really meant.” Doing this without disarming the situation can cause further problems but with the disarming technique you can make huge strides in the discussion with being able to express your feelings.

And finally, after all has been said and done, show admiration for the other person. Let them know that you care about them and want to make things better.

This can all feel extremely hard to do when someone is yelling at you, but as you practice these steps, you will start to see the relationship quality increasing and the communication between you and your loved ones improving significantly.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What makes a strong marriage?

I’ve recently come across some new information about marriage. The things that I noted were what causes divorce, generally, and what makes up a strong marriage that lasts. Obviously we all want a marriage that lasts and so I hope to be able to shed some light on how that's possible. First I’d like to talk about the reasons for divorce. You can attribute divorce to a decrease in marital satisfaction throughout the course of a marriage, but what causes this drop in marital satisfaction in divorced couples? Well, research shows that having children is a major factor in decreasing marital satisfaction. This fact threw me off when I first saw the data because I personally can’t wait to start a family and have kids and I always thought that would be the happiest time in my life and that it would cause me to love my wife even more. After looking into the reasons for dissatisfaction, I realized it makes a lot of sense. In many marriages, when the first kid comes around, the parents tend to...
Post a Comment
Read more

Have you strengthened your family?

Hello everyone! I have really enjoyed the experience of writing about the topic of the family and I have learned a lot. I hope that I have been able to shed some light on the importance of preparing for and maintaining a good family structure and how to make the most out of the family you have. I have been so grateful for the things that I have learned and I have had a few chances to implement some of them into my relationships. I am getting married next week and so all of these things that I have learned are so important for me as I am preparing to start a family of my own. There is so much that I didn’t know going into my relationship with my fiance, but as I have learned little by little and tried to apply what I can, I have seen a huge difference! I hope you all have had similar experiences. Today, I’d like to go over a couple of the topics that I’ve written about that I’ve seen have made a big impact in my life and share an experience or two. First, the most important thing I’ve l...
Post a Comment
Read more

How important is sex in a marriage?

I came across an article about sexual intimacy and how it can be both healthy and unhealthy. This is a topic I hadn't thought much about up until this point but this article, by Laura M. Brotherson, really opened my eyes to this all so important aspect of marriage. Sex is something that we don't talk about too much in our society, or at least that has been my perception of it. I was really in the dark about sex growing up. I didn't even learn about the birds and the bees from my parents, but rather from a kid in my 5th grade class years ago. I never had a chance to learn, in a healthy manner, what sex is and why it's important. I hope that I can help shed some light on the subject for those of you in a similar situation. First off, why is sex important? Sex is something that we, as humans, were created for. God created men and women for each other and sex was implemented as a was for us to have children and bring others to this earth, and also to increase intimacy betwe...
Post a Comment
Read more